


Real Frontier Medicine

by captainraz



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: M/M, Post-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, breaking up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 17:36:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2701472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainraz/pseuds/captainraz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seven months after the end of the Dominion War, Julian is starting to wonder if DS9 is where he wants to be. Hints of future Garak/Bashir.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Real Frontier Medicine

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily inspired by [thehoyden](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thehoyden/pseuds/thehoyden)'s [Letters from the Northern Continent](http://archiveofourown.org/works/45841). You should go read that story if you haven't already.
> 
> For some reason I ended up writing several references into this story, including nods to Babylon 5, Firefly and a reference to A Stitch In Time I'm ridiculously pleased with. Metaphorical cookies if you find them all.

Late nights on the Promenade have always lent themselves to thinking. The Promenade is peaceful in the twilight hours, when the lights are down low and most citizens of DS9 are sensibly in bed. Julian Bashir is accustomed to these eerie hours; he often stays up until it's not so much extremely late as far too early to help a patient. In Starfleet the work doesn't stop just because your shift has ended, and certainly not when you're a doctor.

 

The Promenade feels odd to Julian these days. Outwardly it hasn't changed all that much; there's still the Infirmary and the security office and the jumja stand. And of course Quark's is still there; the devious Ferengi will probably still be there when they turn DS9's lights out for the last time. The shops haven't changed much in the seven months since the end of the Dominion war, but the people have.

 

There's a presence missing, and Julian notices it most keenly when the Promenade is dark and quiet. He still half expects to see Odo striding towards him, on his way to foil some nefarious after-hours plot of Quark's. But Odo is somewhere in the Gamma Quadrant, more than 70,000 light years from whatever scheme Quark is planning. The idea that he won't be there to catch him seems wrong to Julian, like the balance of the universe is off somehow.

 

Of course Odo isn't the only presence missing from DS9 these days, and it seems the station is still struggling to recover its equilibrium. Almost everyone is still worried about Captain Sisko. Julian wishes he could believe what Kasidy had said about him being with the Prophets. His mind is entirely too focused on the empirical, and he won't stop worrying about Sisko until he sees him with his own eyes, alive or dead. The Bajorans in general and Kira in particular have been coping well, content to leave the Captain's fate to the Prophets. Julian wishes he could do the same.

 

He's surprised by how much he misses Worf. They were never particularly good friends and, apart from Nog, the most recent addition to the senior staff. Visits to Ops don't feel quite right without the Klingon's imposing presence, and he certainly misses that rich baritone over the comm. Worf's post is the only one they haven't filled yet and, given its nature, Julian thinks they probably won't. There's little need to replace him now that they're not at war any more.

 

It's Miles that he misses the most, which isn't surprising given that he's Julian's best friend. They'd gotten so used to living in each other's shadows that it feels downright wrong to be on the station without him. Julian doesn't begrudge Miles his decision to move back to Earth; he had to do what was best for him and his family. But without his friend to keep him company with drinks and darts and holosuite adventures Julian has found himself at something of a loss.

 

Ezri gamely tried to take on Miles' role in the holosuites, with little success. It didn't matter what type of program they tried, it always felt awkward in a way it never had with Miles. It turned out Julian really did prefer him to Ezri, and it was doing their relationship absolutely no good whatsoever. Not that they have much of a relationship these days; it seems that both of them found the the thrill of the chase much more fulfilling than an actual romantic relationship. Or maybe they were just doing what they thought they should, their feelings for each other a hangover from another life. Julian rubs his knuckles into his tired eyes and sets those thoughts aside to deal with another day.

 

He comes to a stop in the same place his night time wanderings have stopped every night for the past week; outside Garak's shop. It surprises Julian how much he misses the Cardassian tailor, given that they hadn't been that close the last few years. He's always attributed their drifting apart to the war. As tensions with the Dominion rose and there were more demands on their time, they had spent less of it together. Debates about the merits of Cardassian versus human literature became too exhausting to contemplate. He'd missed Garak of course, but he'd always assumed the Cardassian would still be there when things calmed down again.

 

How wrong he'd been.

 

Despite having drifted apart, Julian still considered Garak one of his closest friends on the station. He'd certainly been his first. Back when Kira hated him and Dax had barely tolerated him and well before Miles had begun to think of him as anything other than an annoyance, Garak had been there. As long as he'd been on DS9 he'd had Garak.

 

Not having him here hurts like hell.

 

Julian has felt the pain of Garak's absence much more keenly since he received the letter, although letter is the wrong word, the thing is practically a novel. For seven years he tried to wheedle, cajole and bribe the truth out of his mysterious friend with little success. And then this gargantuan letter arrives with the closest to the truth about Garak's life he's ever going to get. It's more than Julian thought he'd have.

 

He's read the letter six times in the weeks since it arrived. Each time it's left him feeling heartbroken, both for what Garak went through as a young man and for the current state of his friend's beloved homeland. And every reading has left him missing Garak all the more. The weaving narrative of Garak's younger life with current events has got Julian thinking about his own life. Lately he's been considering his past, present and potential future, and he's starting to wonder if DS9 is where he wants to be.

 

Above all else, Julian is a doctor. Unlike most Starfleet personnel, doctors don't get moved around the quadrant all that much. It is far more typical for a newly graduated medic to receive an assignment and stay put, working their way up the ranks in one place. This is even more the case if you happen to end up Chief Medical Officer of a starbase fresh out of the academy, as Julian did. The only time Starfleet Command might consider reassigning Julian is if he were made the head of Starfleet Medical. As a promising young doctor this could have been his potential career path, but that was before the revelation of his genetic enhancements. Now both Command and Medical seem content to leave him where he is. They've left him practising medicine in Bajoran space, not going anywhere, not bothering anybody. A few years ago he would have been happy to be ignored, particularly just after his enhancements were discovered. Then he felt lucky just to be allowed to keep his position, now he's not sure its enough for him any more.

 

He just about remembers the eager young lieutenant who came to DS9, to the frontier, looking for adventure and the chance to be a hero. How Kira resisted the urge to throw him out an airlock, Julian will never know. He's older now, wiser, and hopefully a little more mature. He now knows that as much as people like putting medals on doctors he is no hero; heroes are just those who get other people killed. The desire to practice frontier medicine is still there though, and he's only just worked out what that really means for him. Out on the frontier is where he can do the most good; that's where people have the least and his skills are most needed. Deep Space Nine is a wonderful assignment but Bajor is no longer the frontier and Julian's skills could be better used elsewhere.

 

Perhaps that's why the letter from Garak has been bothering him so much. Julian stood by his friend's side after the Battle of Cardassia, as the casualty reports came in, and he knew in his heart that that was where he belonged. He didn't have the courage to stay and it has cut at his heart every day. He knows that Cardassia is still where he belongs, even after all this time.

 

In the seven months since the end of the war the death toll on Cardassia Prime has surpassed the billion mark. Those that have been spared so far suffer from a lack of food, shelter and clean water. Disease is running rampant, digestive tract and respiratory infections that could be easily cured. Simple things, that any trainee medic could heal, and it's killing Julian that people are dying from them. He knows he could make a big difference with a handful of hyposprays and a water purification unit. The Federation is doing what it can to help the Cardassians but they're not at full capacity themselves. There aren't enough doctors on the ground and they don't have the equipment to spare and people are dying because of it.

 

And then there's Garak, who has finally returned to the home he loves only to dig bodies out of the rubble. The idea of it makes Julian's heart hurt. He should be there with him. For Garak. For Cardassia.

 

It's a ridiculous idea though, giving up a good position on DS9, leaving his friends behind to go practice medicine on Cardassia. And yet that is exactly what he's considering doing. He has more than enough leave saved up to take off to Cardassia for three months without having to resign his position as CMO. He could, if he wanted, just pack his bags and go. Run off back to the frontier in the middle of the night. It's an utterly ludicrous notion, but he's seriously considering it. Julian has been coordinating the relief efforts , he knows there's a transport due to leave in the morning. He could be standing amid the ruins of Prime by tomorrow evening.

 

Julian's heart pounds in his chest as he realises the decision is already made, all he has to do is follow through with it. This is the point where his road diverges; does he choose the well trodden path and remain on Deep Space Nine, or does he follow his heart to Cardassia? He knows that if he does not go now, he will never find the courage to do so. Inertia will keep him here until someone decides to reassign him and he will never get to see the world Garak is so proud of. He knows for certain that if he is not on that transport to Cardassia in the morning he knows he will regret it for the rest of his life.

 

Which means there is only one possible course of action.

 

His mind made up, Julian rushes back to his quarters to pack. Now that he knows he's going there's a million things he needs to do before morning. But first he needs to condense almost eight years of collected possessions into a single bag.

 

He generates a mental checklist on the turbolift ride back to the habitat ring, so it doesn't take long to pack when he gets back to his quarters. Into his Starfleet issue duffel bag goes a spare uniform, some fresh underwear and a single casual outfit. After that Julian throws in his favourite pair of pyjamas along with the things he'll need to maintain a basic level of personal hygiene. It's only after this he pauses, unsure about what else to take. If he were going home to earth, to visit Miles, he'd stuff the bag the rest of the way with padds to read. But they're not going to be much use to him on Cardassia and he's certainly going to be too busy to do much reading. He packs a single padd, loaded up with a couple of things he's in the middle of reading, but with plenty of space left to write a journal. He fills most of the rest of the bag with hyposprays, water purification tablets and field rations. It's not much, not when compared with the supplies Julian's planning to hitch a ride with, but it could make a difference wherever he ends up. Remembering how Garak had complained about the dust, he replicates a simple breathing filter. He packs a simple Starfleet issue sleeping bag and a thermal jacket and then he's stuck.

 

Julian's eyes stray to where Kukalaka sits on his shelf. He's never gone anywhere without his childhood teddy bear. But he knows that taking Kukalaka with him is tantamount to admitting he's not planning on coming back to DS9 and he's not ready for that. Kukalaka stays, for now. Julian will come back for him if and when he's ready.

 

Now that his bag is packed it feels much more real to Julian, but there's still a lot to do before he can actually board that transport. He replicates a cup of tarkalean tea and settles down at the computer console. First of all he has to deal with the paperwork that will allow him to take three months leave. Fortunately Starfleet are relatively efficient with leave and all he has to do is file the forms with his CO's signature. Getting her approval too is something Julian decided to leave until a slightly more sociable hour. Then it's a matter of selecting which of his capable staff to leave in charge while he's gone.

 

The part of his job that he's proudest of is in the training of his Bajoran staff. People who were cleaning wounds with home-brewed alcohol less than eight years ago have become competent medics. Julian's ego tells him he's been integral to that transformation. He knows that his staff are more than capable of running the Infirmary without him. He makes his decision on an interim replacement quickly.

 

Julian replicates himself another mug of tea and writes down instructions on the research he's been doing. He details the things that will need looking after and what will probably be OK for three months. There are some experiments about to reach a critical stage and he promises his colleagues co-authorship of any papers if they help bring them to completion in his absence.

 

After that there is more paperwork to complete to ensure he'll actually be allowed to step foot on Cardassia Prime. The Union doesn't have much of an immigration policy these days, but there are still a few bureaucratic hoops to jump through. He downloads his service record and complete medical history to a padd to take with him, just in case. He also arranges to have a complete set of immunizations done in the morning before he boards the transport.

 

With that done there's not a lot more he can do until he gets Kira's permission to take the leave he needs in order to do this. He glances at the chronometer and rationalizes that it's not too unreasonable to go wake her. She'll be getting up to go on duty in an hour or so anyway. Besides, this isn't the first time he's woken his commanding officer in the middle of the night to get permission to do something ridiculous. It likely won't be the last.

 

Julian takes his time walking round the habitat ring to Kira's quarters. He wants to take as long as he possibly can to minimise the risk of her murdering him in her sleep deprived state. He rings her door chime and waits, heart pounding. Kira is obviously still asleep when he rings because it takes a while before even his genetically enhanced hearing detects the sound of her moving about. She answers the door in her night shirt and doesn't look terribly happy about being woken.

 

"Please don't take this the wrong way Julian, but what the hell do you want?"

 

"Sorry to wake you up Nerys, but I have some forms for you to sign and well, it can't really wait."

 

Kira looks annoyed, but she takes the padd he's holding and steps aside so he can enter her quarters. As she moves towards the couch she waves vaguely in the direction of the replicator. Her meaning is clear; if you're going to wake me up at this ridiculous hour you might as well make yourself useful. Julian replicates Kira a raktajino, without asking how she takes it; he's long since tucked that particular detail away in his enhanced memory. He takes the liberty of getting himself a drink and is about to order his third tarkalean tea of the night when he changes his mind and orders red leaf instead. Kira is too engrossed in the padd he's given her to give him the odd look he's expecting. Julian places the raktajino on the table in front of Kira and settles down to wait for her to finish with the paperwork.

 

When she's done she puts the padd down, rubs her eyes and sighs heavily before grabbing her drink and taking a large gulp of the potent brew.

 

"I can't say this comes as a surprise," says Kira at last. "I've been expecting you to do something like this for at least six months. Have you discussed this with Ezri at all? Last time I checked the two of you were still officially a couple."

 

Julian squirms uncomfortably.

 

"Oh good, this potentially life-changing decision was well thought out then," she says sarcastically. "You know, Julian, running off to Cardassia in the middle of the night is a terrible way to break up with someone."

 

"I know, and I plan to talk to her about it..."

 

"But you're going to go anyway, no matter what Ezri says?"

 

Julian sips his tea instead of answering, and he knows his silence incriminates him.

 

Kira finishes her raktajino and leans forward to pick up the padd once more.

 

"I know you, Julian, once you've made up your mind about something like this there's no changing it. If I say no you're only going to end up going anyway. I'd much rather have you out there with my permission and the knowledge that your job is still here waiting for you if you want it. I don't want to see you court martialed for being absent without leave."

 

She signs the padd and hands it back to him. He smiles gratefully.

 

"It would be a terrible shame to end my career on a down note." Julian tries to infuse his voice with humour but it's difficult with the way his heart is pounding in his chest. It's really happening. He's really leaving the place he's called home for eight years and there's a good chance he won't be coming back. Even Kira is aware of that possibility.

 

"It'll be a shame to lose you," says Kira with a sad, tired smile. Julian is suddenly glad he's already taken care of picking his potential replacement.

 

"You make it sound like I'm not coming back."

 

"You're not being honest with yourself if you think you're going to spend three months on Cardassia and then come straight back here like nothing has changed. What was it you once said to me about the frontier being the where adventure is? Bajor isn't the frontier any more, Cardassia is. You need a challenge, Julian, and there's no challenge left for you on DS9. So no, I don't think you'll be coming back."

 

"Maybe you're right Nerys, but I'm not ready to admit that to myself."

 

"I'll keep your job open as long as I can. Don't be a stranger, and Julian, talk to Ezri before you leave."

 

"I will. Thank you Nerys."

 

He gets up to leave and on a whim Julian pulls his commanding officer into a hug. As a testament to how tired she is, Kira allows it. Julian feels like their relationship has come full circle almost. Once again he's the brash young medic in search of adventure and she is the battle weary warrior who just wants what is best for her home world. And though they've never been particularly close, Julian knows he's going to miss her.

 

He makes his escape before he embarrasses them both by crying and slips back to his quarters to have a shower and put on a fresh uniform. He still has a couple of hours before the transport is due to leave and there's only one thing he has left to do. It's the one thing he doesn't want to face, but he knows he can't afford to put it off any longer.

 

He has to talk to Ezri.

 

It takes a gargantuan amount of effort to drag himself off to her quarters and ring the door chime. It's odd, he thinks, that it's harder to wake up his girlfriend in the middle of the night than a superior officer with an infamous temper. But there's much more wrapped up in this encounter than just announcing he's taking off to Cardassia for three months and there's a good chance he won't be coming back.

 

Or maybe that's all that is involved. Part of the reason he feels he can do this is because his and Ezri's relationship is clearly not working out. And if even Kira can see that its not working then it must be obvious to Ezri as well. There's no discussion to be had about the pros and cons of a long distance relationship. There won't be any suggestions to make that maybe she could follow him at a later date. All that's left to do is end this, and hope that they can still salvage their friendship.

 

Julian takes a deep breath and rings the bell.

 

Ezri answers the door much quicker than Kira did, and he wonders if she was up early anyway.

 

Julian knows there is no way he can hide anything from Ezri. She is a Dax and has three hundred and fifty years experience at reading people. But more than that she is a trained counsellor who knows Julian intimately. She knows there's something wrong as soon as she opens the door.

 

"Julian. I don't suppose you're here to invite me to an early breakfast before my shift are you?" Her tone is suspicious and slightly sad.

 

"I'm afraid not," he says, matching her melancholy tone. For all he knows this is the right decision for both of them it still hurts to make it. He still loves her, and above all else she is his friend and he doesn't want to cause her pain.

 

She gestures for him to come in and his heart pounds in his chest. He wonders how he's going to break the news to her and is astounded to realise he doesn't have to.

 

"So, when are you leaving?" asks Ezri. Her matter of fact tone blind sides Julian to the point that he's stammering in a way he hasn't done for years.

 

"W-well... I-I er. I mean... How did you know?"

 

"Come on Julian, you and I both know you've not been happy for months. You've tried to hide it but I know you. So, when are you leaving?"

 

"There's a transport leaving at 0700 that I'm hoping to be on."

 

If Ezri is surprised by the extreme short notice it doesn't show.

 

"You're going to Cardassia then," she says thoughtfully. Her tone doesn't suggest they're discussing anything more serious than the weather in Rakantha.

 

Julian blinks, confused but manages to nod in acknowledgement.

 

"Makes sense. The two people you've been missing most are Miles and Garak. Going back to Earth would put you within transporter range of your parents and Cardassia is in need of good doctors right now."

 

"I expected you to be a little more upset to be honest. I worked myself up into a bit of a state practising how I would break the news to you."

 

Ezri laughs a little at his expense and moves over to the replicator to get a coffee. She automatically orders a raktajino for Julian as well.

 

"How long are you going to be away?"

 

"Three months, although Kira is convinced I won't be coming back."

 

"Are you? Coming back?"

 

Julian takes a deep, fortifying breath, wishing more than anything that he had an answer to this.

 

"I don't know yet," he says. His honest confession causes both of them to lapse into silence while they sip their drinks.

 

"You know I won't be coming with you," she says, "or following at any point in the future."

 

Ezri's voice is sad and tense, but there's a hint of relief underlying it. Julian understands exactly how she feels. Just because this has been coming for some time doesn't make it any less sad, or stop it from hurting.

 

"I know," he says with a rueful smile. "And I'm not going to ask you to wait for me either. There's no point dragging this out. I love you Ezri, but this," he gestures vaguely between them, "isn't working. Doing things long distance isn't going to help."

 

Ezri sighs, loudly, and nods.

 

"I guess we both got caught up in feelings that belong in another lifetime, to other people. We never really stopped to think about what we were feeling, whether it was just us."

 

"I kept hoping that as time went on I'd fall in love with you, just Ezri. And I do, love you, I love you so much it hurts sometimes. But I can't distinguish my feelings for you from my feelings for Jadzia, and you deserve better. And I can't spend the rest of my life wondering if I'm loving you or the ghost of Jadzia inside you."

 

She reaches out and gently caresses his cheek.

 

"I have loved you as two different people over two different lifetimes and above all else you are my friend, Julian. I don't want to lose that."

 

By this point they are both crying and Julian pulls her into a hug.

 

"You won't. I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything. I don't regret the seven months we've had together, but they aren't worth sacrificing our friendship. The only reason I kept putting off having this conversation is because I was afraid of ruining our friendship. Maybe... Maybe it'll be good, me being away. We can avoid all the awkward post break up stuff and just focus on being friends next time in back."

 

"I'm gonna miss you Julian," says Ezri with a sniffle.

 

"I'll miss you too."

 

Julian knows he should get out of there before they change their minds about breaking up and he misses his flight. Besides, he has an appointment to get his inoculations topped up and he tells Ezri as much.

 

"I better get going," he says sadly. He almost doesn't want to leave her quarters, because doing so will make it real. Ezi will no longer be his girlfriend, and although he knows its the right decision for both of them the thought still makes him sad.

 

He gets up to leave and Ezri sees him to the door.

 

"You'd better stay in touch, Julian," she says, and there's a hint of a threat in her voice.

 

"I will," he says. "I'll write once a week if I can."

 

Then, at a loss for how to end their encounter, Julian pulls Ezri into one last kiss. Into this kiss he pours all the love that he still feels. He tries to convey his regrets that they didn't work out as a couple and his hopes that the future will be better for both of them. She responds in kind, and they share one last perfect kiss before he walks out of the door.

 

Julian's next stop is the Infirmary. He's a little early for his appointment, but it allows him to say farewell to some of his staff in person. There are a few tears but they're all consummate professionals and quickly put aside their personal feelings to get down to business. Julian emerges from the Infirmary half an hour later feeling slightly sore from all the hyposprays they've stabbed him with.

 

He heads back to his quarters to pick up his back, and then he's headed out to the docking ring. The transport can't leave without authorisation from the Chief Medical Officer. His leave doesn't officially start for a few more hours, which means he's still CMO . He signs the paperwork that will clear the freighter for transit and negotiates his own passage. The freighter captain assures him that his presence won't cause any problems whatsoever.

 

Julian stows his bag and settles in a chair at the rear of the bridge. He's not used to just being a passenger and it feels weird not having any preparatory checks to do or an Infirmary to inventory. The captain runs through the final checks and then contacts Ops to request clearance for departure. Kira is on duty by then and offers Julian a final farewell as she clears them for departure. The docking clamps release and then he's on his way.

 

He's going to Cardassia.

 

Suddenly Julian is acutely aware that he hasn't slept in more than twenty six hours. While he doesn't need as much sleep as non-genetically enhanced humans, it has been a long, draining night. He's both physically and emotionally exhausted. They won't arrive on Cardassia for at least eight hours, so he has time to sleep, but decides against it. Now that he's on his way he can feel the excitement building and knows he won't sleep anyway.

 

Instead, he pulls his padd out from his bag and starts to compose a letter to a dear friend.

 

_Dear Garak,_

_By the time you receive this I will already be on Cardassia Prime..._

 

 


End file.
